Personal Prayer

I feel the need to share this prayer from 2 nights ago. I keep a prayer journal on my phone so I can see God's hand working in my life. This is still my heart:

As I lay here in the bed I am dreaming of a brown haired chubby cheeked baby girl. She has wrist roles and soft skin and she smells.....oh she has that heavenly newborn smell. I have never met her but how I long for the day that I get to. Shiloh. Mommy loves you. I know you will be. I am sure you will be.
 Oh may our great and powerful God create you in 2014 in my womb. May he fashion you for your husband and bless us with your presence.  I miss you so much though we've never met. My heart hurts so badly for you. For Haddon. For the precious ones we've already said goodbye to. I ache in my soul. Never has there been a pain like this ever. There are no words only tears. 
Lord I beg you for mercy. Give me a child lest this heartache overtake me and lead me to death. I am overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. Oh to feel a baby kick in my womb. To be nauseated and sleepy. I need this Lord. I can't imagine living with this agony much longer.  It has been excruciating and heavy. Take it God.  Please just let this season pass from me. Remove my reproach. Embrace me and fill my womb with beautiful healthy children and in the mean time, keep my mind focused on you and your word. I pray the waiting would end soon and pass quickly. 

Will you continue to pray?  For strength as we wait and for God's blessing to be upon us....

A Mother's Heart

Sometimes it seems like certain seasons last forever. Barrenness is upon our home right now. Our children suffer because they want a baby to live in their house (everyone else had a baby brother or sister). My husband suffers because he sees his family's disappointment and he wants a little baby to hold. But Mommy....she SUFFERS. Yearning for what God created me to yearn for. Longing to fulfill his command of fruitfulness while not being able to for unknown reasons. Seeing other receive God's blessing of children. Witnessing couples take their fertility for granted.  Repeated hope and then disappointment.  Every. Single. Month.

Peace is a distant land from this sea of sorrows. I once heard RC Sproul say heart break only comes after a heart has hoped for something only to be let down. I have a broken shattered heart. I am crushed beneath the weight of this pain.

Would you pray for me? For our womb? For our adoption?  Things look bleak at this time and this mother's heart can't take much more pain.

DSS and Peace

It looks like we are moving forward with an adoption through South Carolina DSS. After talking with them this morning we found out that the little girl we were interested in is going to be placed before we are officially approved. The approval process can take 3-6 months. That was a little disappointing but God is writing this story, not the state of SC. If our son, daughter,  or sibling group is in the custody of SC, the Lord will give them to us in his perfect time.
The Apostle Paul said that he learned to be content in whatsoever state he was in. When he had plenty,  he was content. When he had little, he was content. This is a hard lesson to learn but it is one I need to learn. God has us in his perfect will and he will open my womb when he is ready. He will secure and complete this adoption when he is ready. He will sell our house when it's time and he will relocate our family when it is BEST! Not when we think it's best.
So today, we celebrate the hope we have in Christ and in the freedom from discontentment he brings!  Some days are not as hopeful as today. There is a deep despair the come with unexplained infertility, especially at 24 years old. There are days that I don't want to get up. Don't want to face the reality of my situation. There are MANY Sundays that I dread going to our church and seeing the large families and the 5 new babies but today I feel contentment and for that I am thankful.  May I encourage you, if you know someone struggling with infertility, let them know that you love them. Pray for them to have peace.
Thanks for listening to me ramble on. I'm not the best writer but I do have a story to tell. Until next time here are some picture of our family for you to enjoy!

Moving forward.....not how we expected to be growing our family. See, we thought when we gave my womb to the Lord (after the birth of baby 2) he would fill it frequently and we would easily have 10 children. Two years later and after loosing 6 precious babies, we are still the Parker Party of 4!

People hear that we are having trouble conceiving and they assume we are ungrateful for the children we have. Nothing could be further from the truth! We love our children endlessly and treasure them above all other earthly things. They bring us so much joy and happiness! They are the REASON we want more. Being their parents has been wonderful! I tell our oldest I want 4 more just like her!  They bring us so much joy that we figure 2 more might just send our happiness over the edge!

However, considering our now diagnosed "unexplained infertility" we decided to take a huge step of faith and begin the adoption process! There is just one problem....We have no money. Like none. 

If the Lord has a baby for us through adoption,  he will have to provide! Come with us on this Journey to fruitfulness.....We have no idea what is in store but we know the God who knows :)